Fear & Joy

Fear and joy in truth are equal,
One's the pilot, one's the sequel.
If I didn't know how to fear,
How would I know when to cheer?

Perception

Sometimes what is seen is not what is observed, what is understood is not what is heard. Our perception defines our reality, but sometimes we just don't bother to look closely enough.

Burned

The wounds may have healed fast,
but I cant undo the sutures.
I don't lament the past,
but I just cant find my future.

Nonsense

Everyone has their good days, their bad days and the kinda days that fall somewhere in between that you really have no clue what to make of. It's like finishing 3rd in race. You didn't win, but you didn't lose either. You still get a trophy, but it's the smallest one. Should you be happy with it? Or shoud you rue the missed chances that could've gotten you a bigger one? Either way it really doesn't matter because, well, it just is.

How was your day?

Opposites

Everyone has a certain way they'd like to see the world.

Some like to watch it spin around them like they're a stuntman riding inside a Globe of Death. Others like to watch it revolve slowly, noticing how the sun or the moon rises or descends ever so subtly everyday.

Each day can be like running the rapids. Or it could be paddling along quietly on a cool spring morning down a calm river. At one point you just close your eyes, taking in a breath of fresh air as you inhale deeply.

And as you exhale, the next exchange of air is not that of cigarette smoke or the reek of alcohol from the nearest hammered stranger, but the sweet scent of, quite possibly, Mother Nature farting.

Garbage

Im only happy when it rains
You want to hear about my new obsession
Im riding high upon a deep depression
Im only happy when it rains
pour some misery down on me...

Retreat

Once in a while you have those days when you muster just enough enthusiasm about living life to get your sorry ass out of the house, only to have life sending you back in the other direction because of something unexpected.

Having had a perfectly good afternoon ruined by a misplaced, rather important article, you crawl back into your hole content with spending the rest of the weekend in physical and mental hibernation.

There really is nothing out there anyway.

Fatalism

No matter how far, or how often you move around, your fatalistic outlook on life follows you everywhere. The whole "I'm taking my life in a new direction" and how you're "gonna do things differently now", "seize the day" and what nonsense is just a fad. Once it's over, the brooding inner pessimist re-emerges.

It's just been on holiday, it didn't really bid adieu for good. And it choose the very moment when you least expect it to turn up to show its face. Moments such as those of which you could not have seen coming, moments such as those when it is least welcome.

It stops you in your tracks, leaves you feeling less than happy despite being in an environment that would encourage otherwise.

And so you concede to fate. For it is fate that has orchestrated the events that have led you to be in such a state of mind.

Fate just does what it does best - and that is to fuck you up.

Home

I've left my home of Malaysia for more than a week now. Home may be too emphatic a word considering the past one year back home I've felt like a piece of jigsaw puzzle that didn't really belong to the picture. Despite having been living in the country for the better part of my childhood and teenage years, strangely enough, I knew very little about it. And hence, not so strangely enough, I didn't feel entirely comfortable being back.

Maybe it's a different place from how I remembered it? Things seem to have changed a lot. Either that or I have. I don't know. A once lovelorn couple realizing they're no longer the same two people. Classic romantic device, isn't it?

So here I am. Away from home again. Starting fresh, starting anew. I'd say it's been pretty good so far though I'll only blog about that part later.

In many ways I'm hitting the reset button on my life. And just like resetting Windows, you hope it turns out okay the next time it loads up.