Yes we can...

I'm not complaining, but merely having one of those "I'm feeling kinda lost" moments.

I'm going to a place I've always thought I'd never end up at in real life. It was always a fantasy of mine working for such an organization. A dream that you knew you'd wake up from knowing it was only a dream. So it wasn't exactly expected.

Yet there is this unsettling feeling that was right beneath the surface of the euphoria I was feeling over the past few days after knowing I would be heading there. And now it's come forward a little bit and has been occupying my thoughts.

The truth is, despite the fact that it's supposed to be really exciting to be embarking on yet another new journey to a really cool place, what I'd honestly prefer is to not go anywhere and know exactly where I'm going to be right now. Deep down I know I'd rather choose the same old boring mundaneness over the excitement of moving on towards new and exciting things.

For me, the road ahead hasn't really been paved yet. Well, maybe just the next few hundred meters. But the constant change of scenery makes you yearn for something familiar. Something, somewhere or someone to anchor a part of you to your own existence so that you can let yourself know, "this is where I belong!"

Not having that stability really makes your stomach churn, your head feel kinda dizzy and your knees a bit weak.

Sometimes it feels like you're swimming downstream in a river not knowing how much longer the journey will take. You also keep wondering if you're really swimming by your own will or just being guided by the currents without any say about which direction you're heading.

Hopefully someday soon I will get out of the water and find myself on solid ground that I won't mind walking barefeet on.

Until then, I should at least try to embrace the change that has either been willed upon me or that I have somehow engineered upon myself.

Yes we can. But do we really want to sometimes?

p.s. On a side note, I guess that's why I like baking bread. No matter where I am I can always find flour, water, salt and microbes to make it. And even if the bread may taste a little bit different everywhere I go depending on the local microflora, it will still, well, taste like bread. And making it is always the exact same process with few variations if any. It's also completely simple and uncomplicated once you know how to make it.

Wow, baking bread is what keeps me sane. What a revelation.

A loaf of whole wheat,
A loaf of rye,
Enough to eat,
Until I die.