Self-reflection...

So my time back in the safety of academia is almost over. In a couple of months I'll be spit out into the real world, hopefully able to build upon something I would like to think I've laid down in these two short years.

In many ways, going back to school, and being able to do so abroad in a region of the world a lot of people could only dream of visiting, has been a great blessing. But it's also really been a second chance. In life in general, but more specifically in pursuing a career that I would be happy to end up with.

I think I started off this journey fairly desperate and hence pretty fired up about trying to do the best I can. Pretty much trying to throw myself in the deep end at every chance because I knew there's just so much I missed out on and needed to learn. I had to make up for all the lost time. And I think I'm a bit better for it.

Yet, here I am again growing anxious about what's to come next. And it feels similar though not exactly the same as the first time. Back then, I reckon I really didn't know what I wanted. Now? I think I know the general direction, though I'm not quite settled on where exactly just yet.

In some ways I think there is still an amount of self doubt about whether you really can do what you're setting out to achieve. In terms of the real world, you're just a mere seedling and you don't know whether you will grow into a proper tree that will bear fruit or die off before the next spring comes.

But at least I'd like to think that the experiences of the past two years will serve me well in the coming days ahead. I think the the few things I've learnt in this brief period of time is to deal with failure a bit better and to know that there is still heck of a lot I need to learn. I still make bad decisions sometimes. More than I'm comfortable with, but I've survived.

At the same time, I like that I can now push myself harder since I'm sure I really do like what I'm doing. I think that's helped set me straight towards the right direction.

I think I might havee grown a bit more cynical about the things around me, though at the same time due to that cynicism I'm willing to put in a great deal more effort. I don't really know how much of a good thing that is, but I guess I'll find out later.

All in all, as contradictory as it may sound, I'm really happy about how thing have turned out. How while I'm once again heading out there with much uncertainty as to what may happen, there is a certain calm amidst the fear and anxiety. I kinda like that.